My weakly update

OK so a week is four months in my world.

If you've been following, last time its was sad days at Rabbits hole. if you haven't been following please keep up. (Warning don't keep reading if you don't want to cry)

On Monday (15Th of Jan) we went back to the Dog Doc's, Matey was very quiet last nite and still hadn't eaten anything, what little bit of water he had he brought back up. The test results from Saturday were devastatingly, today's ultra sound was a knife in my heart.

I knew before we went there what the probable outcome would be, but as always I just kept thinking that everything will sort itself out, it's that worry about nothing that's got me to where I am today.

I was given two choices, I could take him home and let him pass away in two or three days or say goodbye to him how. Lets see. die of starvation and pain and have him for a few days longer or kill him right there. Now humans, will you please listen to me, I cant say this any clearer. don't love things, they'll only hurt later.

After a bit more discussion his Vet Danielle said she would leave us to ourselves for as long as we liked and I'm not sure if Maton knew what was happening, but I'm sure he wanted to be feeling better. I'd taken Matey there in his bestest blanket and he sat on that for about half an hour or more while we talked and cuddled and cried, I'd like to think he gave me a final kiss and permission to end his pain but he just lay there quietly while I stroked and kissed and talked to him.

I couldn't be there for that last moment, I so wanted to be there at the end and say goodbye but I knew that i couldn't and asked Danielle to call me in when he was gone. She wrapped him up so beautifully and tight in a piece of cheese cloth and then his blanket and brought him outside into their gardens to where i was, I couldn't talk and she said goodbye to me and Maton and said to come back and see her when I was ready.

I couldn't see him but I felt his outline through the cloth, I stood there cradling him for several minuets before we got into the car and drove to my mums house.

Maton is buried under a large tree at the back of her property and faces the house and gardens. I go to see him and talk to him each week and it hasn't gotten any easier, I still miss him like you couldn't imagine, there is so much guilt at what I could have done earlier but Danielle tries to assure me that there was no knowing. I still cry.

RUN FAST IN HEAVEN MY LITTLE MAN.